Heavy Heart...

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

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What a day...I woke up early and took Jackson to school, and came home and fell back to sleep. It took a while because the kittens were going crazy but eventually I was able to doze back off. Then I wake up to no internet, no tv.. and I was pissed. Time Warner is just not my favorite tv people anymore. It took from 1 -4 for them to fix it. WTF? I wonder if I could be compensated for that?? My sister in law Trina seems to think so! I tried to make the most of it.. but I had to make call after call. I didn't really mind the tv being gone.. but what I did mind was the internet not working! I was able to hook my phone up to my laptop for internet but it was slow.. I just gave up and went outside. It was actually nice.. I walked the dog.. took in the fresh air.. sat on the back porch and read.. and even hung out with my friendly neighbor.  Honestly, I was pissed.. and I should have got busy around the house but instead I just let the stupid tv drama take over. I was grumpy.. and I wasn't so nice to anyone today.

Jackson came home with not such a good report from school and I think I might have over reacted. I feel bad about it.. and tonight when I was tucking him in.. he about broke my heart. He said.. " Dad couldn't handle me.. so I came here.. and where are you going to send me if you can't handle me either?? " OMG.. heartbreaking. He's only 10 years old. I reassured him that he isn't going anywhere.. and I also apologized for being a huge grump today. Again.. it was totally heart breaking. So tonight I need to get some rest and wake up in a much better mood tomorrow. I sometimes forget that my son can feel my energy.. and the last thing I want him feeling is scared that I am going to ship him off somewhere. Yea.. NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.  I didn't know that was something he was scared of.  But now I also understand what he feels about his dad too. So I have my work cut out for me. I want every minute of mine, every second  to be as influential on him as possible in a good way. Today I feel I failed at it all.. Tonight I feel a little better and tomorrow is going to be a new day with some new changes. I am not a perfect parent. No matter how many books I read....or other parents I talk to.. there is no one formula that works for each child. You just have to learn from the experiences that are put in front of you and try to keep doing better. Oh, and btw.. Jackson choose to come here on his own..but he didn't get along well with his father. However apparently in his mind, he kicked him out .. It couldn't be further from the truth. My ex husband loves Jackson very much. They just had trouble getting along.

Tomorrow is already here.. and I have to be up a little earlier to make sure he is up on time.. husby is going into work early and can't do the morning shift. I have big plans on what I want the morning to be. And even if I have to fake it till I make it, I will put a smile on my face at 7am . I have some parenting things I need to work on and its starting in the morning.

When you know better, you should do better.

xoxo

K Jaggers