Tuesday Talks & Truths

Monday, July 25, 2016

Hello friends. I hope you are getting along well with your day.....here's another edition of Tuesday Truths. Hope you enjoy. 

I seriously hurt my ankle. I am walking on it so I doubt its broke but standing up for hours on end yesterday was not easy. But I did it and I am still alive. If it gets much worse I might go to the ER or something but so far, I am doing ok...not great but ok. 

My soon to be ex is back at throwing me in jail for God knows what. He's the reason I have hated my life for years. I wish he would just permanently go away. Thank you God for not giving us any children together. I have no idea what is wrong with him. No morals. No soul. Just plain evil. And now I understand why all his ex's hate him. It's easy to do.

I have been getting in a ton of steps according to my fitbit. I really hope with this divorce, not eating as much, working...and hopefully working out soon will help the pounds fall off. I can't do anything right now with my messed up ankle but I am going to sink in sometime just for me and my health. 

The kids start school in just a couple days. It's insane how early they go back here. Brittany and Jackson are both at Arts right now. Heartbreaking but true. Another reason I am so disgusted by the  man who just left my life. But we will be fine. He's not that powerful but it's hurts that she is not here. However, the kids are amazing and doing great. 

Many of you have asked how Cooper is doing. Honestly, I have no idea. It's painful to think about so once I am in the right position, I will a new puppy. I am Cooper is fine. And if he's not....it's not my issue any longer. Thank you for all your doggy l♥ve. 

The weather here has been so hot. I mean seriously hot here. I have been doing a lot of hiking and enjoying nature but it about killed me. I was a sweaty mess and had to take a cool shower as soon as I got back to the house. I think it is suppose to cool down soon so all I need is for my ankle to get better and I will be back at it! 

I am trying to take the high road here lately. I want this marriage over and behind me. I think games are being played because my ex is hurt which is confusing to me. He wanted this. This was his choice and now that he rolled the dice the game isn't ending as he expected. That's ok. He will find his own way and I am going to go my way. And honest to God I have fought with this man for way to many years. I just want it over. He can be cruel. Just like Michelle Obama said last night... he goes low, I am going to go high. He's a terrible role model to his kids, to his family. I hope he gets help before it's too late. Isn't it true that crazy people don't know they are crazy? I think that might be what we are dealing with. I just need to go on and keep being happy. It's odd but it's so true. 

I am slowly getting back to the recording videos. It's not easy to get on camera when I am dealing with so much but all your comments on this video have been so eye opening. YOU saw a change that not even I knew. Many of you have said that I seem so much happier. Thank you. I am! I'll record a video soon with a new update. 

My soon to be ex sister in law is acting a fool on her facebook and blog. I am sure her 5 followers will really care. God...some people just don't know when to shut the hell up. I think the entire family needs duct tape around their mouths. 

I took the most amazing long back last night. It was so relaxing. I have been doing so good waking up early. I sleep better now and I really truly appreciate that. I have been springing out of the bed happy each morning and ready to face the day. No one can really hurt me. The worst has already been done and everything else can be fixed. 

I want to take a vacation. Maybe some camping trips on the weekends but I think I am going to save for Hawaii. I want a post divorce trip to a beautiful exotic place. It's a new goal. Maybe in 6 months or so. Never know. :) I also think Jekyll
Island in Georgia would be a nice little trip as well.

I have really been enjoying a lot of my older friends since getting home. This is exactly where I need to be and I am so grateful for it. When going through something like this, you find out who really is loving, loyal and caring...and who's not. 

I plan on checking the PO Box today sometime. Thank you in advance for anything you sent. So many of you asked for it and from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Your cards and letters have been so amazing. I am responding right back so feel free to use it anytime. 

Also I have a ton of messages and comments that I still need to respond to. I have less time now and there are just so many. Sooooooo......I am just doing the best I can with it. I read everything. Thank you for taking the time to comment on any of my social network platforms. I love you guys. You have given me great advice and I will forever treasure it. 

I have been talking to my first son's father. So many of you had questions about him. We met when we were still riding bikes and separated when I was 23. I wanted to get married and he was no near that point at that time. We are basically best friends. I kinda want more but right now we are just going to take things slow so I can finish up this last married life chapter. I respect him. I love him. And he makes me laugh. I am glad so many of you liked him and said he was a better fit for me. I think so too. I should thank my ex for running out. Probably the best thing he has ever done for me. And right now the universe has brought back an old love in my life. I am excited about the future. :)

My best friend has been put through hell with my ex calling and texting her all the time. She is such a good person. I would be lost without her. She is always looking out for me. 

The Democratic National Convention was inspiring last night. Ha! No more fucking republicans in my bed. No way. I would rather slit my own throat first. Another bonus to getting divorced! 

I think I am letting Romeo go. Yea. It's probably the best thing. I am not 1000% sure yet but it's in my mind right now. Where I am going, it's probably not best for him. I might be wrong. I just have to put some thought and prayer into it. I love that cat like no other but I don't really see a way around it. I plan on keeping Gabby no matter what. I am tearing up right now. I just don't know. 

My mom is doing great. She is making a ton of money training dogs of all things. She's great at it and it got me thinking. I might just have to follow her lead up here. We'll see. I am so proud of her. Someone just flew her to Florida for a weeks worth of training of their puppy and are paying her over 1k. OVER. Good job mom! 

I have a lot to do in the coming days. I will do my best to check in. Be sure to find me on instagram and follow along for more photos and updates! xx

DITL VLOG:Getting Back on my Feet + More

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Hello friends! I hope you are getting along great with your night/morning. I am back today sharing a couple new video with you. This first one is the most recent day in the life vlog that just went live yesterday evening on youtube. I have really missed you guys and I thought one of the best things I could do for myself is get back to normal in every way as quickly as possible. 

It's been easier than expected getting through this. I thought it would be hard but each day life gets easier and better. I don't care if I lost every single possession.....I am still happier without my soon to be ex. Incase you don't know why he is going to soon be my ex, I also posted this video sharing my thoughts on everything regarding the divorce. 

Thank you guys for being so loving and supportive. I don't know what I do without you. I will be continuing to make videos and hopefully get back to a routine soon. Thanks so much for stopping by. I hope you have a beautiful and blessed week. xx

Life Update....Getting Divorced.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Hello friends. I know many of you have been wanting an update so here I am. Scott and I have been together for a long time. We made tons of great memories. We had tons of laughs.  We tried to make each other happy. But somehow along the way, we both started pulling away from each other instead of coming together and working on what was wrong. And believe me.....we both had our faults. Faults that ended up scaring the other person more than once. I think we both wanted a divorce but honestly, I was too scared to admit it. I was scared to loose my family....I wanted to fight to make things better. But God has other plans I suspect. 

And then one final fight ends it all. Things said can't be taken back. Action can't be taken back. And now we both are at a very difficult spot where I feel vulnerable, scared, angry. All normal feelings under such circumstances. And now honestly, I am left here alone to pick up the pieces of what is left. Not surprising but more than I can really handle alone. I feel set up and used....lied to and abandoned. But I already know that in time these feelings will pass. I know that in no time my broken heart and broken spirit will be healed. 

I am not sure what I am going to do with this blog. I might leave it the way it is and just go with things. I might delete photos and videos of Scott. I have no idea. I am in the middle of giving my animals away and trying to figure out what I truly want out of this house. Really I just want to grab a bag and walk out without ever looking back. But family and friends think that is crazy so maybe a few things from this house will end up in the next place I live. I really could care less at this point. But thankfully I have people around me who do care. Who are looking out for my best interest including my kids. Jackson and I were talking the other night and he made me promise to never get back with Scott for what he has done to us and our family. My daughter has been an angel through everything. I understand how the kids feel. I truly do. We are loosing everything and someone we loved used an argument as an excuse to leave. In reality I think he has had it planned out for a while which is fine. It just shocked me. 

There was a point when I was crying and begging...threatening...doing anything I could to get him to walk back through the door. I have poor communication skills to say the least. I have never been good at expressing how I feel. I am still kinda in shock but I am doing ok. I am still here. I am still trying to go on regardless a man walking out. I am trying to surround myself with people who truly love me and want the best for me. Clearly that person wasn't Scott. Clearly Scott was not the love of my life. And it's past time I get him out of my head. He has been a security blanket for me for years. Not a companion that I could trust. I was told I was verbally abusive to him. I probably was. He was no easy person to live with. He has demons of his own which made our life hard and complicated. I guess it was just too much. 

And now at this point, we are being kicked out of this house. Perfect huh? Is it scary, YES. Is it sad. YES. It is ever going to be the same again. NO.  I am beyond sad at this point. I never really wanted a divorce. I wanted to fight for my marriage and family but I can't do this alone. And if I am the only one really wanting things to get better, it still won't work. I don't think there is any hope at this point for Scott and myself. I think our only hope is to move on in our different directions and try to find the happiness we both are looking for....and never found in each other. I am not sure why it hurts so badly. I did love him. I still do but after everything he has done to me, our family, our animals.  None of them deserved this. There was no respect for the other lives in our family. And now I am left to figure it out all alone. Thanks Scott. We are his 4th disposable family. Scott tends to throw family's away when he gets tired of them. I just thought we would make it. I don't run when it gets hard. I don't call the police. I don't file papers in the court. I am just not that kind of person and I never thought I married that kind of person either. 

And if all of that is not enough....I have his family, writing cryptic blog posts shaming myself and Scott's older daughter. ( and by the way, that was his first disposable family. ) If I really told you half the stuff he has done, you guys would be shocked. Yet we are the ones to blame. I honestly can't figure out for the life of me why anyone would put their nose in someone else's divorce. And they are not even happy with their own miserable self and marriage. It's great. But people with big mouths and big attitudes don't know how to stay out of other people's business. It's people like her who have enabled Scott to do wrong for years and more importantly wrong right now. She doesn't know how to keep a marriage together anyway....so I am sure she is out singing his greatest praise being the little sister enabler. 

So with all of that said, I am going to try...I mean really try to move on with my life. Close this chapter with a man who clearly never loved me or this family. I hope to find love again one day. I hope to find happiness again one day and I hope to learn to be a better mom. The kids are the ones that are truly keeping me going. Without them I would be so lost. Actually, I am still lost. I am lonely. I am hurt. I can't believe someone who I loved and forgiven for so many years would stoop so low and leave me in the position I am in. I guess when people show you who they are....believe them.