Tuesday Truths

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

:: I am actually doing so many of the things I was scared of. Life didn't give me the choice to forever hide. Ive had to just feel it and move through it. I am not in a relationship where I am fighting all the time anymore. I am not home wishing I could find a way to interact with more people. I am not scared of finding a job that I actually enjoy. I have walked through so many fears since July of last year and I feel so much stronger now. Sometimes facing your biggest fears sets you free. 

:: It still hurts when I hear someone is pregnant or a cute baby comes into the restaurant. I know many of you have experienced a miscarriage and I know I'm not alone in the pain that comes from having one. It's on my mind more than anyone knows.

:: Ryan got this huge tv. I am not so fond of it. I don't watch as much tv anymore and when I do I just don't need such a big tv. It's big and super loud. However, he works hard and he is truly enjoying it. I guess it's just a man thing! :)

:: The laundry guy messed up the laundry really badly this week. It takes a lot of work for laundry right now. I either have to haul it up and down the stairs to the laundry area here at the apartments. Or we drop it off. And on busy weeks, Ryan doesn't mind helping to pay to have it done. It's nice when everything comes back clean, hung up or folded and smelling good. However this week, it was a little more complicated. Gotta find a new place to take them until I get the little apartment washer. More about that later.

:: My ankle has really been hurting. It drives me crazy. It makes my days at work even harder when its cramping and aching. I seriously need to get to the Dr and get all the scar tissue removed. Its messing with my life too much. I feel like it's time I really focus on my own body, mind and soul A LOT more. I am doing everything I can to keep my head above water with the kids, bills, appointments, family gatherings and I have to take better care of myself. I just have to put myself back on the to do list.

:: I am not liking the idea of giving the teenagers keys to the apartment. I just worry a lot about it so I think I am going to get some cameras installed. I just see so much potential for bad things to happen. I like the idea of being home when they are! I guess I just have to try to trust that they will do the right thing.

:: I need to go shopping and buy some new clothes. Maybe I will do some thrifting to save some money. However, Khols does have some amazing sales!

:: So my mom and Don are basically selling everything from their big fancy house, cars, furniture....all of it. Buying a big duly truck and rv and travling the US for a long while. I think my mom will really enjoy it. And she is coming here for a few weeks too. Jackson is planning on going to the grand canon with them. I think it's a great idea for them. :) Sounds like an adventure!

:: Feeling like it's time to give up soft drinks again. I just don't know why the yellow food dye and high fructose syrup make me so happy but it does. But I know I need more water and less Mt. Dew.

:: I miss Cooper. I hate that there are people out there who just don't know how to do the right thing even if it smacked them upside the head. I have lost 2 golden retrievers to 2 marriages. Never again.

:: I have been asked a few times why I picked up Scott's ashes so let me set the record straight. Like it or not, we were still married when he passed away. I wasn't allowed in the hospital, I stayed away from the small service his sister had. I felt like he belonged with me and his daughter. I don't think his sister had any business to ashes of her brother. She was not his wife or child. I picked them up because we spent a lot of time together. I loved him. Yes, we were separated but that does not change the fact that he was someone who I loved and who loved me for many years. He simply didn't belong with Trina.

:: A new mascara of mine is missing. I know that's crazy but it's seriously gone. I guess it just fluttered itself to some other lashes to coat. Grrrrrrrrrr.

:: The smile lines around the corners of Ryan's eyes I love. He's always been a funny guy who cuts up a lot and messes around. To be he looks better with them than when he was young.

:: This week Donald Trump is moving forward with plans to kill National Endowment for the Arts, PBS and NPR. Also Feds will step up marijuana law enforcement soon as well. This man is such a mess. His approval rating right now is a low 44%. I think people are finally starting to realize the mistake they made. I am so embarrassed, disappointed and shocked by who is in the White House. I don't even watch CNN as much because I can listen to Trump bullshit all the time. No Thanks.

:: I spent some time with just Brittany and Jackson this past Sunday. I wish they got a long better. I hope that their attitudes towards one another will change and become better as they get older. It breaks my heart to see them not get along.

:: Last night I came home and passed out. I mean I just walked straight in the door and went right for the bed. Early mornings ware me out. Thankfully Ryan cooked dinner and I was lucky enough to wake up to the house smelling amazing and dinner on the table. Thank you sweetheart.

:: Laura and I have been struggling to find her suitable childcare. It's so hard. Jerred is away working and she has the kids all the time. They all have different schedules. Finding someone to work the hours she needs has been challenging. We just want to find someone safe and good with the kids who is dependable. Such a hard task.

:: I really want to go to church. Ryan said he would like to go too.  However, my best serving days and hardest are Saturday and Sunday's. I'm not sure how I will deal with that but maybe it will just be Joel Osteen on Sunday afternoons for us. Or maybe Wednesday evenings or something.

:: Yesterday I was lucky enough to find the missing movie. Yea!!!!!!! We had looked everywhere and it ended up being on the top of the refrigerator. And then I forgot to take it back after work yesterday. It is heading out the door with me today so I can stop paying late fees.

:: I really need to sit down and make some phone calls. I have 6 voicemails that need to be called back. Still trying to find more hours in the day and better balance. Maybe later today I can get to a few of them.

:: Its super early. I have to walk out the door in few minutes for work. I hope you guys have a great day. I can't wait to get in front of the camera and make a new video. I promise things will pick up on youtube and here on the blog. Thanks for all the support and love. xx


Week in Review w/ DITL Vlog

Monday, February 27, 2017

Hello friends! I hope you are having a wonderful Monday. I am back today with my latest DITL Vlog and a new week in review. It's been a while since I have got one of these up for you guys. Lots of photos and me rambling on. Hope you enjoy! 

I decided after a while of no videos that I would just come back with a new ditl vlog. I don't plan on doing anymore than one a week if that. I hope to get other videos up as well. Here is a little bit of how things have been going. 

Since I have moved back home so much has happened. I have been through so many life changes. Not all were good or easy either. However, one of the biggest greatest things about being here in Indiana is Brittany. She was a huge part of the reason to come back home. I was tired of missing out on all those big and little things with her. Most days I feel like a taxi driver running her, Jackson and even Maekenzie around. We are always in the car it seems....going from one practice to another or running items back and forth.

 Right now in the middle of the school year there hasn't been a lot of time for fun but it doesn't matter. We are still all getting to spend time with each other and finding joy even in the smallest of things.

I simply need to balance my time more because I miss doing the fun things. We need more family days. We just do. I tend to smile a lot more when the kids are around. The girls and Jackson just bring a new breath of fresh air to my life. And for that alone I am so grateful.

This past week as also hard and sad when I had to pick up Scotts ashes from the funeral home. I never imagined I would have to do that. I am still not sure what to do with him but in time we will figure that out. I think the ripple effect from his death will last a very long time with his kids and grand children. They will never know him and the kids that do remember will always miss him.

Laura and I still spend a lot of time together. I see her daily and it has given me more time with my grand children. They are growing up so fast. I guess I am trying to love Laura and the kids enough for both of us. Laura is one of the best people I know. I also moved back here for her them as well. We are family and I don't think that will ever change. 

I always wanted a houseful of girls. Always. I might not have had them myself but with Laura, her daughters, Ryan's daughter and Brittany along with Brittany's best friend Kenzie I am surrounded with amazing girls. They make me smile all the time. 

I have been struggling to find a good balance between work, kids, the animals, family. Just like the rest of you! On my days off I tend to run errands and clean. The apartment is smaller which helps a lot but even my days off are not just lounging days anymore. 

I am so happy we finally got a vacuum. It was fine borrowing Laura's all the time but its nice having one here. Little by little I am trying to rebuild, grow stronger and more confident. It just feels weird being my age starting over. But it's also a little empowering. 

Some nights around here we enjoy Chinese in bed...

I don't particularly like cooking that much. I guess I got use to not cooking much when I was in the camper. Ryan prefers dinner a little more than I do! But I am slowly getting back in the grocery store again so I can make dinner for us. He's actually bringing back a little stability in my life. And God knows that's a tall order for anyone. 

 I will hopefully have some new food hauls and recipes up soon for you guys too. I also plan on putting up a new tea video sometime soon sharing my favorites. Maybe I'll include a giveaway as well! :)

Life around here has been pretty busy and calm all at the same time. The cats seem to be adjusting to everything just fine. Gabby is as sweet as ever and Romeo is just plain spoiled rotten. He actually just celebrated his 5th birthday! That is one of the most loved animals I have ever had. The kids, Ryan, my friends just love him as much as I do. And Gabby has just fallen in love with Ryan.

Image result for light snow tumblrWe have been having the strangest weather this week. Friday we were in the high 70's. It was crazy. I was loving it. I think everyone around here was loving it. Then the next day, we actually dropped to 30 degrees and snow started to fall. I was at work when I noticed the snowflakes glistening away. This kind of strange weather has been going on all winter. I think its going to get us all sick. But just for a few hours I enjoyed watching it come down. The weather report shows that this week we will have a lot of rain. We are basically having all four seasons in one month. Who would have guessed.

Many have left such sweet comments on that vlog. I tell myself that I want/need to keep working as much as I can, but I'm still dealing with so many mental blocks that it's been kinda tough to put my thoughts together, so thank you for your patience with the cope with the ups and downs that have become so consistent in my life and posts. That's my life now after all:) There have been many days when I smile so big my cheeks hurt, and my heart feels light like it hasn't felt in so long, and then there are other days I feel the crushing grasp of heartache that literally takes my breath away. A lot of my thoughts are deep and heavy. Inquisitive at times. I want answers to questions that I will never get. But I am doing my best to remember the good things in my life. I have Ryan and he is doing his best to make me happy. He does make me smile and laugh a lot which really means a lot to me. He knows I am a mess a lot of the time. But somehow we both are saving each other really. I think he needed to be loved as well. We are trying to create new beginnings. My heart has been changed. In every sense it's been broken, battered and crushed, and these days I really feel so much more deeply than I would've ever thought possible. I just want to be happy. I am too old for anything else. I know not everyone understands and that's ok. They don't have to. But he makes me feel better. And I love him. Having him around feels so easy and natural. I feel like our lives are pieces of the same puzzle. We have known each other since we were kids. And were together before Scott and I and here we are now. I am sure that you will get to know him more in the future. 

I know that I have a lot to live for still. I have been terrible with change for years. I like routines, schedules, and certainty. But all these unexpected things that keep happening are just making learn to live more in the moment. I am taking more risks coming out of my comfort zone. It's been a new way of life. 

I have so many new goals and hopes for the future. Starting over at my age might seem crazy. It kinda is but I think it brings the opportunity to do things better. To love harder. To try harder. To be a better parent. To work harder. I have always loved fresh starts. And this is a new beginning for me. And really I am just putting one foot in front of the other trying to move on. And that's where I'm at. Just trying to find my way down a new path. Thank you guys for coming along with me. ♥♥♥

Weekly To Dos

- work in planner and calendars.
- make chocolate chip cookies
- Do nails
- Buy houseplant ( sounds silly but I have none! )
- Get seal for pressure cooker from camper
- Pre record some videos
- Make Dr. Apts for kids and myself. Ankle really has been hurting.
- Groom kitty cats
- Crack open an actual book.
- Start new organization project in apartment.
- Look for some new part for wheel area of my car. Ryan put it on my list.
- Make some homemade cleaners. So much healthier and cheaper.
- Go check on a couple of my uncles.
- Start on gallery wall....again.
- Plan a dinner where everyone is here. So hard with all the different schedules.
- Start trying to actually menu plan again.
- Get all the towels washed. I don't take them to be washed like I do the clothes.
- Clean out under kitchen sink
- Replace burnt out light bulbs.
- Wash sliding glass doors.

Shopping List

- microwave
- pillow for bathtub
- Amazon fire stick ( don't get me started on why )
- New Cookie sheet

Here's some inspiration to take with you throughout the week:

Thank you guys for stopping by. I love how inspirational, caring and supportive you all have been. I have always said I love this blog. I truly do. This is my home. Its been such a great way to communicate with all of you. You can always leave a comment and let me know how you are doing. Just as many of you have followed my life, I have followed many of yours. I'll see ya tomorrow with a new Tuesday Truths blog post. Have a beautiful and blessed week. xx


Friday Letters ♥

Friday, February 24, 2017

Hello everyone! It's been a while since I have done a Friday Letters. Hope you enjoy. 

:: Dear God, Thank you for another week in this world. I don't understand your plans but I trust you will lead me down the right path. Instead of loosing faith with everything that has happened, I feel even more connected to you. Please keep the kids safe. 

:: Dear Romeo, you are still the family mascot. You are the most lovable sweet cat that anyone could ever hope for. 

:: Dear Work, yesterday sucked. Hopefully today will be better! 

:: Dear New Mascara, I think you just came to life and went on somewhere to coat someone else's lashes. I am going to tear the hall closet apart looking for you. 

:: Dear Trina, you must be so attention starved if you have to share pieces of my email on a public forum. It just makes you look sad, pathetic and desperate. Go away... you have done enough damage. 

:: Dear Freaky Weather, I don't understand what is going on. I feel like this is why our polar bears are dying. The earth is too hot and melting all the ice and snow. I do love it but I know something is just not right. 

:: Dear Ryan, I am so proud of how hard you work. I am so looking forward to our trip in the coming weeks. Thank you for slowly but surely bringing me back to life. I love you. 

:: Dear Nails and Toes, I need to go get you done. It's been a while and it just sounds so nice and relaxing. 

:: Dear Brittany, I am very proud of you. I know how hard you work at school and cheerleading. I am so happy that you are better than I was. Keep it up...you have a big life in front of you. 

:: Dear Car, I don't really like you but I am grateful for you getting me from point a to point b. I feel like I am driving a boat around compared to the Mini Cooper. Please keep working. I promise to change your oil soon. 

:: Dear Gabby, you are such a traitor when Ryan is around. Who's cat are you anyway?

:: Dear Donald Trump, you are a real piece of work. With you I feel like I am watching a giant asteroid coming towards earth and can't do anything about it. I am scared you are going to get us all killed. And look you have your own little doll now. You should be so proud. And I bet it's made in China! :)

:: Dear Mom, I am sure you don't like the Donalds post above, but it's how I feel. However, thank you so much for bringing that stuff up here for me. I love you and I am glad you and Don plan on having some fun. You guys deserve it. 

:: Dear The Crown, I am so hooked on you. Netflix got it right with this show. I just keep watching and watching! 

:: Dear Laura, I love having you around at work. I think it will be a great place for you and I also think if we start serving at night we will really enjoy it. I am so proud of you. And the grand kids. They are all growing up so fast. 

:: Dear SD Card, Why are you giving me such a hard time? I guess I just need to replace you. Might try to format you first to see if it works. 

:: Dear Jackson, I need to get you over here more. We need to get everyone together and have a family night. A night of fun food and games. I miss you sweetheart. Gotta give up some of those fishing days! 

:: Dear Apartment, I am not use to you yet. Things are a bit louder than I am use to. There is not that much space in the kitchen yet you are my home. Little by little I am trying to re-build my life right here. Thank you for giving us a warm safe place to stay. 

:: Dear Dad, I miss you so much that I can't breathe sometimes. I would do anything...absolutely anything to hear your voice. Come see me in my dreams. 

:: Dear Blog and Youtube, I have missed you. I have a lot of work to do to get you caught up and back in good shape. I am excited about the possibilities. 

:: Dear Scott, I can't believe I picked you up from a funeral home. I just can't believe it. All of us wonder what happened and what went so terribly wrong. I hope you are at peace with your family. I hope you made a lot of good memories that you took with you. I will always look after Laura and the kids. Always. 

:: Dear New Computer, you are not as nice as the other one I had but I am thankful for you and I think we will be spending a lot of time together. :) 

:: Dear Maekenzie, you are so cute. I remember when you were little and now to see you all grown up is amazing. Keep doing good in school, college is right around the corner! 

:: Dear Midori, You are still the most amazing planner/journal. I still love you and imagine I always will. 

:: Dear Shanna, thank you for being the best of friends to me. Your advice and comfort has helped me get through so many hard times in my life. You have put a smile on my face so many times and I love you. 

:: Dear towels, got to get you washed today. However, dropping the laundry off last night was a life saver thanks to Ryan. I hate not having a washer and dryer in the apartment. 

:: Dear Abbygale, You are a lot of fun. It's so nice getting to know you!!!  We are all going to have to go out one night! Thanks for being so kind to Laura...she needs more friends. 

:: Dear Kimmy, I am so jealous you are enjoying the sunny days in Florida. Glad you got the vacation you so desperately needed. I love you...and I am still waiting on our wine and cheese date at Hubers!

:: Dear Laundry Guy, Thanks for messing everything up. I seriously wish I could get the $4 tip back. Guess that's what I get for tipping when I dropped it off.  You bleached a black bra. Lost my work shirt. I have to call back in the am. You are fired and I will find someone else to help out.

:: Dear Laci, I wish we talked more. I am proud that you are doing well and seem really in a good place. Call me so we can catch up.

:: Dear Cooper, I miss you. I hope you are well taken care of. If things weren't so messed up, you would be with me where you belong.

:: Dear Body, you feel like a 41 year old body. You hurt and ache all the time but at least I am still breathing. Working out seems to be a thing of the past but I have got to change that. Ankle please stop hurting.

:: Dear Love, I still want to believe in you. I really do.

:: Dear Blog and Youtube friends, thank you for being so supportive, loving and encouraging. I really appreciate each one of you. I have a vlog that should be live later today. It feels good sharing with you guys again. Again...thank you for all your love and support. Sometimes I feel like I am loosing it and then one of you pop in with a sweet comment that melts my heart. I love you guys. Have a great weekend. xx


Life & Blog Update

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Hello friends. It's been such a long time since I have been on here...chatting with you all. I thought tonight would be perfect for giving you a family update. I was going to post it through a Tuesday Truths blog post but I decided to just sit down and start typing with no real direction. So much has happened since the last time I have been on here. I don't even know where to start. 

Scott is gone. I don't have the words to express everything I feel regarding that situation but he did make an impact on many lives including my own. If you haven't checked out the video about it, you can click right here to check it out. I will be picking up his ashes very soon and I have no idea what I am going to do with them. Laura and I might do something special with them or I might just hold on to them for a while until we decide. Life is so different now. I was just starting to really get on my feet when he passed away. Ryan and I had suffered another loss at that point when I miscarried our baby. Another heartbreaking moment for me. I don't think anyone will ever realize how painful that was for me. I still think of that baby everyday. Let me just say, January was one of the hardest months of my life. However, I was not ready to give up. I am still not ready to give up.  I am pushing forward and moving into a direction of a new life with new goals and hopes for the future. I am ready to move forward with more faith and less fear. 

I  am in a committed relationship with Ryan. I hope to go into our history a little more sometime soon. I truly believe everything happens for a reason and I believe he is here to help me heal, to grow, to make me smile and laugh. To bring some joy to our home. I really didn't think I would be in a full blown relationship so soon but he has helped mend my broken heart. But even more than him it's the kids that have really kept me going. They need me more than ever now. And I need them. All the kids in my life bring such special meaning. I am a better person because of them. And I am so proud that we have all made it through some really tough times and we are still standing together. I don't think God has invented the person to stand in between us. We are a family. We will always be a family. They are the reason I strive to be a better person. They are the only ones who truly hold me accountable and for that alone I am grateful. 

For months I have been without a computer and internet. Part of me really enjoyed it. At that time, haters were going strong making it easy to stay away. However, its been you guys via facebook and instagram that has powered me on and gave me the courage to get back on here and share my life. I have done it for so long. So many different stages of my life have been not only written about but documented through video and I have loved it so much. I have made some life long friends and have had more support than I ever could have asked for. So here I am. New laptop...internet is finally hooked up and I am ready. I am ready to share with you again. You guys have been such a huge part of my life and I would be lying if I said I didn't miss. Because I have. I have forced myself to stay away from the gossip sites. It has taken YEARS to get to the point where I just don't care what they say. They really have no impact on my life at this point. And that goes for some other people as well. There have been so many changes in regards to my family this year. Scott's family is no longer my family. While that is sad and heartbreaking at times, it's made me realize how important my own family is. I have amazing women that surround me. I might have lost a few but I gained many more through the trials and tribulations of my more recent life. They have kept me going on days when it's been unbearable. They have been there to share not only in the troubles but also in the good times. Even though so much has happened, I am truly blessed. 

I am going to pull out the camera and start vlogging and making videos again. I don't know how well it will go at first. I have been trying to decide what I am willing to share. I just don't want to share every single detail of my life anymore. But don't let that scare you off.  I have less time now than I did before because I am working but I plan on throwing myself right back into youtube and this blog. Speaking of the blog....I have a new design that I plan on working on in the very near future. I think a face lift would be nice. I am just trying to make a fresh start. However, all my old videos and blog post will remain up. They are a part of my life and I think it will be nice to have them to look back on from time to time. 

So we will move on into the future together. This blog use to be my home away from home. A place where you could get lost for hours. I want to get back to that. And I hope you guys want it to. Have a beautiful and blessed Wednesday. I'll be vlogging through my day! Thank you guys for being so kind and supportive all these years. I love you guys. ♥♥♥